“So, what is this amazing thing you want to show us?”
Roberto has led us out to the forest. I hope this isn’t another dead animal.
“…I, I think I came across some high end tech.”
Alright, he has my attention. There’s just a random piece of illegal technology in the woods somewhere? Granted, it’s probably just a cellphone with a dead battery, but I still can’t help but feel curious. We walk around for several more minutes before Roberto suddenly runs up and points at the bottom of a tree.
“Right here. Look!”
The rest of us head over to Roberto’s location and look down. There’s a small modern looking black box. I can only presume that what Roberto wants to show us is inside the box.
“Here we go…”
Roberto lifts the cover of the box and then stands back up.
“…I think it’s some kind of modern camera.”
Looking inside I can see that yes, there is a small yellow digital camera lying on the ground.
“…Wow…”
Francesco leans in to get a better look. It’s nowhere near the level of the high tech phones you’d see in LOVE, but it’s still illegal foreign technology.
“How did this get here?”
Paolo puts his hand to his chin while asking. It’s a good question.
“Well, technology hasn’t always been illegal in HOME…”
I give out a random guess. Perhaps this is just an old relic of back before all states in HOME decided to ban all technology.
“Don’t ‘modern’ people use phones to take pictures? Why have a camera?”
“I think that’s a LOVE thing, I’ve had PearlCoin guys tell me that people in the territories don’t have all the fancy technology that LOVE does.”
As Paolo and I talk Francesco bends down to pick up the camera before Roberto smacks his hand.
“Don’t touch it idiot! We’ll get in trouble.”
He is right, we would be in severe trouble if anyone caught us holding on to this forbidden technology. Yet despite that, all four of us continue to stay where we are, staring at the camera with fascination.
“These…these are the kind of cameras where the pictures are immediately developed, right?”
“…Pretty sure they are, yeah…”
Francesco asks a simple question, and I offer a simple reply. I don’t know how much we spent looking at that camera, but it felt like hours.
“…It’s getting late, let’s head home.”
Paolo’s always the one who knows when it’s time for everyone to head home. We all nod our heads, and Roberto closes the box he opened before we leave the forest. Once we arrive back at the main town roads, we all give our goodbyes.
“See you later.”
“Bye!”
“It was nice hanging out again Marco!”
“Great seeing you all again too!”
I watch my friends as they walk off. As soon as they’re out of sight, I go back into the forest. I briskly walk as I try to recall the path that Roberto led us on. I don’t know what’s overcome me, but I feel an intense curiosity about that camera. I’m not going to take it home like an idiot of course, but I just want to know what immediately fully developed photos look like. But then again, will the camera even work? It was inside a sturdy looking box, so I doubt the weather’s affected it too much, but what if the batteries are dead? Then again, if the camera doesn’t work, then I suppose that’ll be God’s punishment for wanting to break rules.
It doesn’t take long for me to return to the box. Even though there’s no one nearby, I still look around as if I’m checking for people. Well, you can never be too careful when you’re breaking the law. There’s nobody around, and it’s doubtful anyone will come around here soon, so I kneel down by the black box and take the lid off. I slowly pick the camera up, as if it had thorns. Now…I know with digital cameras you can look at the pictures inside them if you press a certain button. I guess I’ll just press every button I see and if nothing happens then-
Suddenly, a picture shows up. I see, the camera is working. I guess that means the Lord is fine with me sinning in this manner then. The photo that shows up seems to be of a family in skimpy swimwear (well, skimpy by HOME standards anyways) at a uh…I believe this is a beach, right? There’s lots of sand by the water and there are ither people in the background with swimsuits too. The family seems to consist of a father, mother, and their two children, one boy and one girl. The boy seems to be a bit older than the girl. The father and mother are holding hands while the son and daughter are kneeled down by some sand building that I guess they made?
I flip to the next photo in the camera. This time it’s of the same family standing in front of a Christmas tree dressed in strange Christmas and winter themed sweaters. The children are joyously holding their Christmas presents. The daughter is holding a stuffed kitten toy, and the son is showing off what seems to be something for modern video games. The photo after that shows the family outdoors with a small puppy playing with the kids. I continue to flip through the photos, seeing the life story of this family contained in these photos. I see the small puppy gradually grow bigger into a mature dog, the children maturing and entering puberty, and the parents beginning to grow wrinkles and gray hair.
I see the children go through school graduations, birthday parties, school contests, and making friends. I see some other reoccurring adults and kids that I presume are uncles, aunts, and cousins. I see photos of the family in the snow, rain, and sunshine. The story of this family unfurls for me as I continue to examine the photos.
One photo stands out to me in particular. It’s of the daughter as a teenager wearing a beautiful pale blue dress standing with a young man wearing a tuxedo. They’re standing underneath a banner reading “Greenwood High Senior Prom 2019”. I remember Mr. C mentioning these prom events before to me. I guess high schools in the modern world like to have a special event for students where they dress nicely and romance other students. Schools encouraging courtship strikes me as odd, but the world outside of HOME being strange is nothing new to me.
There are several photos of the daughter and her lover at the prom, and I can’t help but be fascinated by the daughter. She’s nothing like how my teachers describe how women behaved before HOME came to fruition. Growing up, I was educated on how terrible women became before HOME and how terrible they are outside of HOME. How they’re all promiscuous abrasive harpies whose bad behavior was encouraged by secularism and moving away from God. How trying to fit into men’s roles made women neurotic and barely able to function without the help of being coddled by cultural leaders. How birth control made women selfish and destroyed world-wide birth rates. How they would cake themselves in makeup as a way to fool men into being used.
Now sure, I’m only looking at photos. I don’t know the personalities and history of any of these people beyond what I can in said photos. But just looking through the photos, I didn’t get a sense of this girl being the kind of modern woman that’s often derided in HOME. She just seemed like a nice girl who liked her family, liked animals and nail art, and really didn’t strike me as promiscuous in the least.
She also didn’t wear makeup in most of the photos, only on special occasions, and she didn’t seem to cake herself up in it either. I keep going back to the prom photo. The daughter…I think one of the birthday photos said her name Marisa? Yes, Marisa looks stunning in her prom photo. But I’m not falling in love with her, she’s just a person in photos after all. It’s moreso how…’familiar’ she looks. She looks like she could be one of my sisters, or a relative of mine or…
‘Do you hate that you were born a man?’
…Or a female version of me. That weird question Elliot asks pops up in my head. I scoffed at it before, but now it’s seeming a bit less ridiculous. I don’t really know how to process or describe my current feelings. All I know is that this old world family looked happy. The daughter looked like she was me from another universe. I think I should put the camera back in the box. Why the hell is this box out here anyway? I can only guess that the family in the photos used to live in this area before the end of the old world, and somehow, despite the modern technology ban leading to all modern technology in HOME being destroyed, I guess the authorities missed a few items.
I hastily put the camera back in the box and leave the forest. Looking at those photos was a mistake; I spent the entirety of my walk back home thinking about what life would be like had I been born female or born in the old world or LOVE or one of the territories. Things I really shouldn’t be thinking about at all. Then my thoughts changed to that of Eve and the forbidden fruit. Right, by looking through that camera, I fear that I’ve crossed a line and can never go back to normalcy. But perhaps I’m overthinking. I’ve always been the type of person to overthink things.
“Honey? Is something the matter?”
When I arrive back home, my mother immediately notices that something’s off.
“Oh, nothing…I was just out with friends and I’m a little tired now. It’s nothing to worry about.”
I guess I was making a strange face if my mother was showing concern. I just waive off her concerns and head to my bedroom. I’m probably just overwhelmed. That was my first (and possibly only) time I’ve ever physically handled a digital camera. Not only that, but I also got to view photos of regular people from the old world on it. Getting to experience such advanced technology in one afternoon would overwhelm anybody. My mind will go back to normal in a few days. I lie on my bed, unable to keep those pictures out of my head. Most disturbingly, I keep having thoughts about myself as a woman. About the weird question Elliot asked me before.
I got up to go get the camisole. I currently have it placed in a drawer on my desk. I know, I’ve been trying to avoid going back to it, but I just want to confirm one thing. I unbutton the long-sleeved shirt I’m currently wearing and take the camisole out and put it on. I then go to pick up a small hand mirror on my desk and examine myself with it.
I’ve never actually gotten a good look at myself wearing the camisole before. I hold the mirror at a good enough distance to see my whole upper body and…I don’t look as grotesque in the camisole as I always thought I did. It’s probably because I’m not very muscular, I shave my facial hair regularly, and the body hair I have is rather thin, so it’s not too noticeable for the most part. I’ve always been kind of effeminate looking throughout my life, which is probably another reason I used to be picked on as a child.
…Was I meant to be born a woman? If that’s the case, why was I born a man? The best that I can theorize is that the lord know that life has no meaning if there’s no struggle and well…this is the struggle the lord decided to give me. Given the existence of transgenders in other societies, I’m clearly not the only one with this type of struggle. Of course, in societies such as LOVE, they’re more visible due to how much LOVE feeds into their delusions. The attitude towards transgenders is more varied in the territories, mostly because there’s no access to the advanced sex change surgeries that LOVE has. The lack of being able to physically change their bodies makes their delusions far more obvious in the territories.
Right, I shouldn’t feed into any possible delusions about ‘becoming a woman’. I struggle with my masculinity and feel more comfortable around women. It’s because of that there’s this nagging part of my brain that thinks ‘I should’ve been born a woman’. But that’s nothing more than mere delusion. I’ve never experienced life as a woman, so there’s no way in hell that I could even know that I’m actually supposed to be a woman. I guess the next time I meet Elliot, I can talk more about this with him, but I’ll have to make it clear to him that I will refuse any sort of coddling or any ‘just accept yourself and become a woman’ nonsense.
I continued to meet with my friends over the week, and while we had fun, I couldn’t shake off the nagging feelings of those photos. The beautiful and happy Marisa with her family and friends. How the people in those photos lived lives completely different from mine and yet didn’t feel that strange or foreign despite that. How I wanted to learn more about the old world, and all the modern technology that’s banned in HOME. How I can’t tell my friends or family about these thoughts. I can’t even go to confession either, because priests are required by law to break the seal of confession if someone confesses to using modern technology.
Before I knew it, the week had gone by and I didn’t feel better. Sure, I got to bond with my friends for a bit but…that’s it. I don’t feel any better, and thanks to those photos I looked through, I feel even worse. The thoughts about me as a woman won’t go away. I even engaged in some thought experiments about it. During a bath one night, I decided to pretend that my naked body was a woman’s and not a man’s. That I had breasts and a vagina. And it actually worked…At least when I wasn’t looking down. I thought about the roles of men and women in society and how I don’t want to be a housewife, but it would be nice to have a woman’s body.
I ultimately didn’t bring things up to Elliot again. I put even more focus on school, my friends, family, and Gloria in order to distract myself from the thoughts. But whenever I was alone in my room at night, they would always come back. What if I’d been born a woman? Well, I’d be treated the same as my sisters and father would probably be pushing Isabella and me hard to find good husbands to help take over the farm. Right, I would no longer have the responsibility as being ‘the next man of the house’, and I wondered if maybe that was the source of all my anxiety. But then I went to go urinate and remembered the deep discomfort I always feel when looking at my genitals.
Despite the stress, autumn managed to pass by, and winter had arrived. Just because there are no crops to grow in winter doesn’t mean my family isn’t busy. Father, mother, and Isabella like to do odd jobs for other businesses nearby. When school was let out for Christmas break, father had me work on odd jobs as well because I’m at that age. They’re nothing too complicated, usually just helping out with cleaning, or helping sell items at stores.
Christmas is coming, and although the weather’s cold, the atmosphere feels warm. It’s a time for family and remembering what matters the most in the world. It’s said that Christmas in the modern world is nothing more than an abomination of crass commercialism. I think back to the photos I saw, specifically the Christmas ones. It’s true that Christmas stopped being a celebration of Christ in the modern world, and there’s a far bigger focus on ‘giving presents’ and yet…Marisa’s family did seem to exude a happy loving atmosphere in their Christmas photos.
I’m currently helping out Gloria’s family by working at their shoe store. Specifically, I’m helping with making shoes in the back of the store. It’s a somewhat tedious task, but it’s not too difficult and it can help me get on friendly terms with Gloria’s family. Gloria isn’t around a lot as she’s helping the church choir prepare for Christmas mass. This has given me some time to bond with her parents, to the point where they’ve even invited me to dinner a few times.
“You’ve been so wonderful to our daughter Marco.”
Her mother compliments me during one dinner.
“We were never able to bear more children beyond her, so it’s always been of the utmost importance to us that Gloria gets a husband that treats her well.”
Gloria’s father joins in on the conversation. Evidently her parents always struggled with fertility. Despite leading healthy lives and never drinking or smoking, Gloria’s parents had gone through five pregnancies with four of them leading to tragic miscarriages. Needless to say, Gloria being born was seen as a miracle by her parents. It honestly makes me feel bad that they like me so much. I think their daughter deserves someone who doesn’t fantasize about being a woman.
“She’s a kind girl; you’ve raised her well.”
Of course I’m not stupid enough to reject compliments. Even if I feel that her family is making a grave mistake by entrusting me to their daughter.
Throughout the month, things managed to continue to be peaceful (even with my troublesome thoughts and burdensome camisole habit).
But then Christmas Eve came…and my life changed forever.
Author’s Note: So yeah, I think it should obvious now, but this arc is the origin and backstory for the dead Marisa. And yes I’m going to be delving into issues and controversies related to transgenderism which will certainly be…something. I’ll just say that my opinions on the subject would piss off both sides of the debate and leave it at that. I was originally planning this arc to be much shorter, but it looks like that’s not the case. On the bright side, I can feel my writer’s block starting to clear away somewhat, and I’m hoping that I can start getting a more regular schedule with publishing chapters.
