It’s almost Friday and I’m still not sure if I want to join Mildred on her expedition or not. Honestly, I’ll probably end up going, but there’s still that reluctant part of me that doesn’t want me to go. It’s a typical morning where I was woken up by Blanche ringing my doorbell. I figure I should probably mention the trip to her.
“…By the way, Mildred’s taking me out on an expedition over the weekend, so you don’t need to visit.”
Even if I don’t end up going, this is still a chance for me to have a nice quiet weekend where I can sleep in without being woken up by the doorbell for once.
“Understood. Be sure to take care of yourselves.”
Surprisingly, she accepted the statement without further clarification. I wonder how she’d react if I brought up the guns. Being the opposite of LOVE, HOME is obviously a nation where the majority ow guns, but due to their gender roles, guns are seen as a strictly “masculine” thing and women are generally not allowed to handle guns because of that.
“…Oh, and Gray, I’m going to purchase a scale over the weekend. I want to start weighing you once a week. Unless you have a scale at home?”
“Do I look like the kind of person who owns a scale?”
She sighs but doesn’t push it further.
“Right, well I’ll be purchasing that scale and gifting it to you on Monday then.”
She leaves without saying anything else. Today’s meal is pasta with meat sauce, asparagus, and chicken. I put the meal in the fridge as I don’t feel like eating it right now. I rummage through my DVD collection, and pop in a random season of a random sitcom. It’s one of those really old ones that have the obnoxious laugh tracks that ruin every joke. I don’t really want to watch it per say, I just want some background noise, so I don’t feel as pathetic and lazy for lounging around on my couch.
My relationship with Mildred has always been a strange one. Which isn’t to say that it’s bad, but it feels “wrong” when I think about the typical relationship between an employer and their employee. Mildred tends to treat everyone at the store like extended family, which is pretty weird given how little information I know about her husband, kids, and grandkids. I think I first became aware of the store when I was 15, but it held no strong significance for me. It was just a place I’d go to buy DVDs and video games at. I also never thought too deeply about the people who worked there, and even if I wanted to, I was too high to take note of them.
It wouldn’t be until me and my ex moved into the apartment and I went job hunting that I finally got formally introduced to Mildred. Apparently, she recognized me as a regular and pretty much all but hired me right on the spot when I mentioned that I was looking for a job. She had a “good feeling” about me and all that. I’ve been working at the store ever since, with very few days taken off due to illness. The only person I recall being hired after me was Liam and that was about two years ago.
I guess his parents were concerned about his wellbeing and wanted him to get out of the house more often. Liam’s the type of person who would’ve been diagnosed with a developmental disability in the old world, who had always struggled with socializing with others and had become a shut-in after finishing school. Evidently the laid-back atmosphere of the store was perfect for the socially withdrawn young man, and Mildred had a “good feeling” about him, so he was hired. I strongly remember my first shift with Liam, mostly because Mildred’s otaku brain made her say something incredibly disgusting.
“…Just think Gray, now you’re a senpai!”
Eugh. Just thinking about that makes me want to vomit. How a woman like that has “connections” is beyond me. But perhaps such cringe worthy speech is on purpose. The atmosphere of the store has always been a casual one, to the point where work doesn’t really feel like work most of the time. Mildred also has a tendency to inquire about the personal lives of her employees myself included.
I’m pretty sure most bosses in the old world didn’t do that and getting close to your employees like that would’ve been seen as taboo. Now granted, she’s pretty great about never publicly giving out information no one would ever want her to tell. There have been numerous times when I’ve told her to not spill the beans about something I did/said to the others at the store, and she’s stayed true to her word on that. So perhaps her unusual behavior isn’t such a big deal then. But there’s also a part of me that wonders if she uses this store and the people working there as a way to give herself free friends, which is kind of sad if that’s the case.
The main reason I say think that is because Mildred’s told a lot about her personal life towards me. Granted, this mostly stemmed from me asking her about what life was like growing up in the old world and what the early days of LOVE were like, but I also think she used those questions as an opportunity to vent to me in ways she couldn’t vent to anyone else.
Through that venting, I’ve learned quite a lot about Mildred’s life. I learned about how she was raised by atheist parents who hated religion due to her father being molested at a Catholic orphanage as a child. Catholic priests molesting little boys is such a tired cliché of dark humor, yet it is something that’s occurred in history, most likely still happens today, and hearing that it happened to a family member of someone you know just leaves one with a discomfort that can only go away by just not thinking about it.
I learned how (at least in Mildred’s eyes) despite hating religion for how it controls people, Mildred’s parents were quite controlling and emotionally abusive towards their daughter. Despite hating religious people for blindly believing what their priests and the pope says, Mildred’s parents would go on to blindly believe all of the propaganda that would lead to the formation of the state of LOVE and would become some of the most devout LOVERS out there.
I learned how Mildred was betrayed and lost close childhood friends of hers when she went against the propaganda, how her parents became even more abusive and controlling. I learned how the newly introduced mandates made her lose faith in medical workers, how when she finally escaped from LOVE, there was still a lingering anger that wouldn’t go away. I learned about how she grew to hate atheism because of her parents, and she went on many religious journeys once she arrived in the territories.
She first started trying to be Catholic, but she struggled with believing in transubstantiation, which caused her to move on to Anglican churches. But then she had problems with worshipping of the saints, so she started going to Methodist churches. But then she started struggling with understanding Galatians and why Paul held so much authority and then started studying Judaism seriously. As you can imagine, she started having issues with fully accepting Judaism as well. She would repeat this cycle of showing strong interest in another religious group before finding problems with it and then moving on to another one, until one day she finally had to admit to herself that she had no real religious belief and that she was just desperate to spite her atheist parents by forcing herself to be religious.
This realization caused her to fall into a deep depression for a while, where she would spend most of her days tripping on psychedelics until she met her husband and he helped her find meaning in life. Eventually Mildred would grow into an interest in collecting old media and that eventually led to her purchasing an empty building that would become the store. It’s odd, I know so much about Mildred’s personal angst and struggles in life, but I don’t know anything about her husband, her kids, her grandkids, or where she lives.
I know she mentioned before that her real home is about an hour long motorbike ride away from the store, meaning that it’s highly unlikely I or any of my co-workers have ever encountered any of her family before, and I can’t help but get the feeling that it’s by design. Mildred can come off as rather ditzy and airheaded at times, but there are aspects of her that make me realize that she’s not stupid either.
Perhaps the reason I feel hesitant about joining Mildred on her expedition isn’t just sheer laziness, and moreso a discomfort with the idea of learning even more about my boss than I already know. Plus, the fact that Mildred is considering me of all people to take over the store over others who have been working there longer than me is a pretty clear sign of favoritism. Just what makes me so special to her? Out of all the people who work at the store, why should someone like me ever be considered for such a responsibility? I’m a lazy jackass with a messy apartment who’s barely able to take care of himself. Why the hell would anyone think that I should run any business whatsoever?
When it’s time for me to go to work, I walk over to the store with the desire to ask Mildred what she sees in me. I’ll be fully willing to come along on her expedition if she can give me a good enough explanation for why she thinks I should take on such a responsibility. I’ve always seen myself as a loser who’ll never do much with my life, but I can acknowledge that self-perception is one of those things that’s always tinted with bias. Tonight is yet another shift where only me and Mildred are working. It’s a weeknight, so there aren’t too many customers visiting the store. It’s an ideal environment for having a one on one.
“…Hey Mildred.”
I call out to her during a time when I’m certain it’ll be a while before the next customer comes in. She’s in the backroom sorting some boxes.
“What is it?”
“Why do you think it’d be good for me to take over the store?”
“Because you seem like a good fit for running the store, and as I said before, I think you could use some direction in your life.”
Mildred doesn’t turn around as she responds. I’m obviously not satisfied with her answer.
“…But why do you think someone like me is a good fit for running the store? Do you really think I could run it competently?”
It’s this question that finally makes Mildred turn her head towards me.
“I don’t see why not. You already do your job pretty well, you’ve rarely taken any days off, and you’re knowledgeable about movies and video games…though I suppose you could learn a bit more about music.”
“But isn’t this a huge responsibility you’re offering me?”
“Yes, it is. That’s why you’re not the only candidate I have in mind. But you are the youngest candidate, which makes me more biased towards you. Not everyone your age gets an opportunity handed to them like this.”
I don’t get why she’s acting so nonchalantly about this.
“…Aren’t you worried I might fuck up and ruin everything?”
Mildred only tilts her head in response to the question.
“Yes, there’s a chance you could fuck things up. But I trust you enough to know that’s highly unlikely to happen.”
I feel anxiety swell within me as Mildred calmly explains her justifications.
“You…trust me?”
“Yes of course, we’re friends. Why wouldn’t I trust you?”
Being told that she trusts me and that we’re friends would comfort most people, but I only feel more anxious in response. Our relationship really does feel uncomfortably close for an employer and employee.
“…Look, I get that it sounds like a lot, but that’s why I want to take you on one of my expeditions. It’s a lot simpler than you’d think.”
Anxiety aside, I really can’t justify not going on the expedition with her. What else am I going to do this weekend? Just watch DVDs, play games, and then go to the abandoned house to be sexually harassed by Ariel? I’m pretty sure this is the sort of thing Mildred’s referring to when she says I need direction in my life.
“Alright I get it, I’ll come with you. This Saturday, right?”
I still feel terribly anxious, but I really don’t have any more excuses to not go. At least, I don’t have any excuses that aren’t incredibly pathetic.
“Yup, this Saturday. Don’t forget to wake up early and pack for an overnight stay!”
Mildred beams in joy now that I’ve agreed to come along with her.
“Is that all you wanted to talk to me about Gray?”
“Y-Yeah…That’s it.”
I don’t feel any better from talking to Mildred, and I still have no idea why she trusts me to the point where she’s seriously considering giving my ownership of the store in the future. But if I keep talking about that all she’ll say is “I trust you” and “We’re friends”. But I don’t feel like I’ve done anything worthy of earning that amount of trust from anyone let alone Mildred, and if I were to say that to her, she’d just get upset with me. It’s Thursday night, which means I’m going to be heading out with Mildred in less than two days.
Going on road trips seems to be a popular topic for a lot of old world media, but stuff like just isn’t done these days unless your job requires it. It’s generally too risky to casually go out travelling for fun like that. Especially with one’s family and loved ones. Then again, it’s not like Mildred’s travelling across the continent, merely around the general area. Which is roughly the length of a few small suburban towns. It’s really not that far off a distance, but it’s enough travelling to require an overnight stay at another house she owns. Knowing how obsessed Mildred is with safety, I can only imagine how many locks are on the door to that house. Hell, I wouldn’t be shocked if she’s got it rigged with laser traps that trap a person as soon as they trigger them.
Nothing else interesting happens for the rest of the shift. Mildred seems to have an extra skip in her step as she locks up the store.
“Even if you don’t end up taking over the store, I think you’ll enjoy our outing Gray. I’ve got guys I know that I think you’d get along with. And there’s a great restaurant we’ll be stopping by for lunch!”
I don’t respond to her comments, but she doesn’t seem to be looking for a response from me either. I walk home still feeling the same level of anxiety that I felt earlier. It isn’t long before I pass by the pharmacy once again. You know, when I was doing drugs, I always had a simple and obvious solution to when I was feeling bad. Sure, there were bad trips, and there can be negative effects on the body if you did too much but…was it really a good idea to give up drugs?
My life hasn’t really gotten better from that decision, if anything it’s gotten worse. Even just drinking doesn’t help much. Whenever I try to “drown my sorrows”, my negative feelings never go away, I just end up feeling more comfortable with wallowing in self-pity. It’s with those thoughts in mind that I decided to walk into the pharmacy.
“Hi welcome to Mother Superior’s-do I know you?”
I may not know his name, but it’s impossible for me to not recognize the short effeminate albino man who lives next door to me. He’s sitting at the front counter reading a book.
“Yeah, we’re next door neighbors. I thought you were a woman and you got upset with me.”
I guess this is where he works. I talk to him while looking for the shrooms. It’s been a while since I’ve last been here, and it looks like things have been rearranged.
“…Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever got your name.”
I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to talk while shopping and I don’t know why I’m doing it now. Maybe it’s the anxiety, maybe I feel some shame for deciding to do drugs again, maybe it’s the fact that the guy at the counter is my neighbor. But I feel like I should try to get to know him better.
“It’s Madison, and yours?”
“Gray.”
It doesn’t take long for me to find the psilocybin mushrooms, and I take four up to the front counter.
“I’ve never seen you here before Gray. Any reason you decided to start doing shrooms?”
Madison places his book down and turns to me.
“Oh, I used to do them plenty of times. In fact, I did a lot of drugs as a teenager. Then I stopped doing them because I had a bad trip on DMT and thought I’d start being a more moral person but…that hasn’t really worked out for me.”
I get my wallet out. Shrooms have always been cheap; they’re always around $5-$15 thanks to how abundant they are in the wildlife. Madison doesn’t give a strong response to my self-justification of doing drugs again.
“I see, well I guess you could say I’m ‘straight edge’…Not for any moral reasons, but medical ones. I think it’s obvious by looking at me, but I have a weak body.”
I wonder what exactly he means by that. Sure, he’s a short albino, but I could’ve sworn that the sun was the main issue for albinos and not…gastrointestinal issues I assume? Well, it’s not like it’s any of my business what his medical problems are. At least he won’t lecture me on doing shrooms.
I hand Madison the money leave the pharmacy with my shrooms, and eat them as soon as I’m outside. They taste awful, but that’s not the reason people do shrooms. I’ll be home by the time they kick in, and they’ll wear off by the next morning so I won’t have to worry about getting a lecture from Blanche. I’ve officially broken my four year streak of sobriety from drugs. Some people would argue that I’ve made a terrible mistake, but I’d disagree with those people. Quitting drugs didn’t make my life better, so why keep avoiding them? To feel morally superior to others? That’s bullshit.
Author’s Note: I had some issues figuring out how to end the chapter because I want the day of the expedition to start at the beginning of the next chapter. But hey, I think I managed to find a decent way to end it.
