It’s the first day of April. A new month, the continuation of spring, and the mark of the worst holiday ever concocted by human beings. I don’t know who the hell decided that we needed an entire day dedicated to stupid juvenile pranks, but if I ever came across a time machine, the first thing I’d do is prevent the asshole who came up with April Fool’s Day from ever being born. A day where people are allowed to get away with being shitty under the guise of “pranks” and when every website on the internet is filled with shitty joke stories or fucked up webpages that make the site impossible to view normally. A terrible day where you can’t trust anyone or anything.
Somehow, someway, this shitty holiday never gets any criticism and people both in real life and the internet continue to celebrate it. You know, I may not be religious, but I understand the significance of religious holidays. I can understand the significance of old historical federal holidays in the countries of the old world. And I can even understand the significance of some of the more mundane holidays like Valentine’s and Father’s and Mother’s Day. But why…Why have a holiday dedicated to being an annoying shithead? What’s the significance of that? What good does that bring to the world?
Nothing, that’s what. While I have work tonight, at least Mildred is respectful enough of my disdain for this holiday that I know she won’t do anything to me. Ah, but how to spend the day is the real question. The usual websites I browse are filled with the same April Fool’s nonsense, so there’s no point in browsing them. I’m not really in the mood to watch any of my DVDs, so I spent all morning playing one of those deck building card video games that I rarely win at but still kill several hours of my life away with.
By the time the afternoon rolls around, I feel a desire to go outside for a bit before I need to leave for work. But considering today’s date, I’d need to go somewhere without many people around. There’s only one place I can think of that fulfills that condition, the old abandoned house. Well, Ariel knows about the abandoned house, but I suppose if given the choice, I’d rather put up with her borderline sexual harassment over getting pranked for a shitty holiday. During my walk to the abandoned house, I take great care to make sure that no one can come up to me to perform some atrocious “prank” on me. When I arrive at the house, I can easily make out Ariel’s bright hair. I can’t imagine school’s been out for that long, which makes me wonder if she decided to walk all the way from here straight from school. She seems to be looking at some deer that are several feet away from the house.
“O-Oh Gray.”
She sees me approaching and speaks in the softest I’ve ever heard her speak. I guess even she understands that her normal tone of voice would scare off deer. She seems to be entranced by them.
“…Bet you never saw deer back in LOVE, huh?”
“O-Only in movies and shows. They really are gentle looking creatures.”
“You’re lucky to see them at this time. Just a month earlier, and you’d be seeing the bucks in the midst of their antlers shedding.”
“S-Shedding? Like what snakes do?”
“Yeah, during the early months after mating season, the male deer will shed their antlers, and unlike when snakes shed their skin, it gets all bloody and nasty. Seriously, it’s like some shit from a heavy metal album.”
The only reason I know this much about deer antler shedding is because one year for April Fools, my sister “pranked” me by taping several photos of deer in the midst of antler shedding in my room. Well, that and I knew a guy in high school who liked to collect deer antlers.
“W-Whoa…”
Ariel’s eyes widen at the new information she’s been given and looks back at the deer. Come to think of it, these are does, so that whole spiel about antler shedding was pointless, but whatever.
“So what, you’ve decided to hang out at my special hang out spot too? Is this part of your grand plan to seduce me or something?”
“W-What!? No! I just think this place is cool, okay? B-Besides, there’s no functioning indoor plumbing, and the idea of having sex without taking a shower after grosses me out.”
Her voice is back to being loud again which startles the deer and they run off.
“A-Aww geez, now the deer are gone! This is your fault!”
I’m not the one with a naturally obnoxious voice kid.
“…Damn, and I was finally getting something good from this shitty day. Fucking dipshits at school think April Fools Day means they can spit gum in my hair and grope me! A-And then when I punch them in the face, I get in trouble and the teachers tell me I need to get a sense of humor!”
I see the quality of educators hasn’t improved in the slightest after my time in school.
“…Yeah, well that’s April Fools Day for you. My brother once dumped water on me while I was taking a dump on that day, and now I can’t shit in public restrooms even if I have diarrhea.”
I’ve never told a single soul about that in my life, not even my ex. But I can live with throwing away some dignity if it means having a comrade in hating April Fool’s Day.
“I dunno about that. Back in LOVE, my moms and me would play funny goofy pranks together. Everyone here seems to have a fucked up take on it.”
Son of a bitch, I revealed embarrassing information about myself for nothing. At least it’s highly unlikely she’ll ever release that information to anyone else I know.
“Well, since the deer are gone, I’m gonna head inside the house.”
Ariel casually walks into the house and I follow her in. It’s true the house has no indoor plumbing, and it’s rather dusty. But I do regret not going inside it sooner as there’s still some couches and chairs to sit and relax in. Ariel makes herself comfortable and lies down on one of the couches and kicks her shoes off.
“…Ooh, I can’t wait for summer break. I’m gonna be a freshman in high school this fall!”
I’m not sure what she thinks will magically change about high school. I suppose the kids will be just a bit less shitty, but that’s only because they’ll be insanely horny and/or high. Well, I guess I’m not in any right to look down on the kids who choose to get high. It’s really the only way to survive high school.
“Hey Gray, is there a cheerleading team I could join like in the movies? I love how cheerleading uniforms look!”
“Nope. There are some sports clubs, but we don’t have anything like the school sports teams you see in old world movies. So, no cheerleaders. Sorry you won’t be able to live out your dream of getting into an orgy with football jocks.”
The vulgar comment is enough to startle Ariel out of her relaxed pose.
“W-What!? What makes you think I want to get into orgies like some cheap hooker!? I want a loving boyfriend or a sex friend, not…that!”
I know that I just thought it’d be funny to get her flustered, and I was right.
“Well maybe you should be happy cheerleaders aren’t a thing here. Surely, you’ve watched enough old world movies to know most people saw cheerleaders as slutty, right?”
“N-Not that I’m aware of, they just tended to be the popular girls from what I’ve seen…”
Hmm, my brain might be scrambling what happens in the pornos and what happens in regular movies again.
“Hmm…Maybe I should just not bother with high school then?”
“No, you should, if only to delay adulthood as long as you can.”
“Why? The only tolerable people outside of my adopted family so far have been you and Mildred. There aren’t any universities and colleges in the territories either, right? So, it’s not like I need to get a degree for a high paying job. Not sure if I wanna work at the same store as you, that’d be a little weird. Are there any pet stores around here? Pets were illegal in LOVE.”
I mean, yeah there’s like one pet store around here, but due to my sister’s weak constitution, my family couldn’t have pets growing up, and I can’t be bothered to raise a smaller creature when I can barely take care of myself.
“Look, being an adult’s pretty shitty. You have to deal with a lot more personal responsibilities compared to when you’re young. Yeah, school sucks and everyone else sucks, but just put up with it and delay the inevitability of adulthood for as long as you can.”
Ariel doesn’t seem at all convinced by me.
“…You sound like one of those miserable salarymen in old Japanese movies and shows. You sure you’re not suicidal?”
Oh god, she’s trying to play therapist with me for free.
“Not in any way whatsoever. I’m just telling it like it is. Anyways, I should probably head back home and start preparing for my shift.”
I figure it’s best to leave now before Ariel gets too insufferable. The fact that an annoying teenage girl forced herself into my life and there isn’t anything I can really do about it is a pretty sad commentary on my existence. Tonight’s shift is just going to be me and Mildred, so any further annoyances I have to deal with will only come from customers.
“…Hmm, that sounds frustrating, but it seems like she doesn’t have anyone else to be friends with.”
Despite it being a Friday night, it’s been a pretty slow shift with not many customers coming in. So, most of my shift has just been me complaining to Mildred about Ariel.
“I don’t want to be friends with some bratty kid who has plans of seducing me, thanks.”
It’s almost closing time, so I’m vacuuming the store floor.
“You’re free to do that, but I can’t help but worry for that girl. Growing up that sheltered means she has even less understanding of how the real world works compared to the average LOVE citizen.”
Does my telling Mildred about Ariel being from LOVE count as me breaking my promise to her not to tell anyone? I get that sounds like a stupid question, but Mildred was in LOVE during it’s conception, and she’s not one to blab to others about something like this.
“I get that, but why should I have to play daddy for her when I never wanted kids in the first place?”
“Never said you did. All I’m saying is that she needs a certain kind of help that she’s not getting in her regular life.”
Maybe Mildred doesn’t understand exactly what she’s saying, but it’s clear that she still wants me to hold some responsibility for Ariel’s stupid life choices. Mildred goes to turn off the music player in the store, leaving the only noise remaining being the humming of the vacuum.
*SLAM*
The front door is kicked open by a man holding a gun.
“This is a robbery! Put your fuckin’ hands up where I can see them!”
My first reaction to the man is disbelief. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and it feels unreal. Surely some random man isn’t threatening me with a gun right now, right?
“Uh…”
I put my hands up as the man points his gun at me. I don’t know anything about guns, but he seems to be holding a black pistol. I can feel my body shaking. Is this how I’m going to die? The robber storms to the front desk.
“Open the cash register! Hands where I can see them!”
Mildred lifts her arms as the robber aims his gun at her. She’s surprisingly calm given the circumstances. Maybe the store’s been robbed before in the past?
“…What do you want?”
Mildred calmly speaks to the robber, as if he’s just another customer.
“…The fuck kind of question is that? I want everything in the register!”
Despite the furious screeching of the robber, Mildred remains bizarrely calm. She’s always been a weirdo, but this goes beyond just being a weirdo. My heart is beating a mile a minute, and breathing has become more difficult.
“…Ha ha ha…”
Nervous laughter leaks out of my mouth, which of course pisses the robber off and causes him to point his gun right back at me.
“The fuck are you laughing at!?”
Shit. I might actually die. All I can think about is this one movie I saw about two guys working retail and how the original ending for that movie was the main guy getting shot and killed by a robber. My life has been so meaningless and pathetic that pop culture is all I can think about during my last mom-
*BANG*
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
In a split second, the sound of a gun being shot goes off. My ears are ringing. The robber screams in pain, drops his gun, and falls to the ground holding his right leg. Mildred is holding a white pistol at the front desk. Obviously, she’s the one who shot the robber. I’ve known since my first day working here that she keeps a gun in a drawer at the front desk, but this is the first time I’ve seen it in action.
“A Glock with an external hammer? I’ve seen kiddie water guns more realistic looking than that.”
Mildred admonishes the man as she puts her pistol away. It seems to be that he was threatening the store with a fake gun. She walks over to him and picks up the apparently fake gun.
“No need to be scared Gray, look.”
She shoots the fake gun and out pops a small flag with the word “BANG” on it. I didn’t know joke guns like this existed outside of cartoons.
“…I’ve been hearing news reports of the youth prank robbing establishments with fake guns today. This guy’s lucky I don’t shoot to kill.”
The robber is moaning in pain and clutching his bleeding leg as Mildred comments on the gun.
“It…It was just an April Fool’s joke…”
The robber struggles with getting his words out. Mildred looks down on him with the kind of face you make towards someone who’s so fucking stupid that calling them a fucking idiot wouldn’t be enough to express how stupid you think they are.
“…Let’s get this pathetic kid to the clinic before he bleeds all over the carpet.”
Thus, the shop was closed a half hour earlier than usual in order to get the shithead prank robber to the clinic. The clinic is about a twenty minute walk away from Mildred’s store, but the two of us had to help support the shitty prank robber, which added an extra ten minutes onto that walk. Of course, when we arrived at the clinic, we didn’t follow in with the prank robber. We just pushed him inside the front door and then left. No way in hell are either of us gonna pay the medical bills coming from his brainless actions. April Fool’s Day truly is the worst holiday.
“…Well, that was certainly a way to end the workday. Sorry you had to go through that Gray. You doing alright? You seemed pretty rattled up when the moron came in.”
All the fear I felt from that moment is gone, but I can still feel the adrenaline pumping through me. I have a feeling I won’t be able to sleep well tonight.
“Uh, yeah…I’m uh…I’m doing okay.”
Mildred puts her hand on my shoulder.
“You sure? You still seem a bit shook up. Come on, let’s head over to The Booze Stand. That should help calm your nerves.”
I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.
“The…Booze Stand?”
Mildred looks annoyed with me.
“That’s the name of the bar that Liam’s parents run! How do you not know that, Gray!?”
Oh. The name was probably mentioned a few times during my time at work, but it just never registered in my mind. I also don’t really have the money to go drinking at random bars.
“…Sorry. Guess I forgot. I guess I don’t mind going there. You sure you’ll be okay being out so late?”
“Eh, if I can still manage running a store until 11 at my age, it won’t kill me to go to the bar every now and then. Especially if I only have water.”
Well, if she’s okay with it, then I guess it’s no problem. The bar is only five minutes away from the clinic, which is a pretty smart location for a bar when you think about it. The interior doesn’t seem all that different from a typical bar. Not that I would know. The idea of drowning my sorrows around other people bothers me, so I do all my drinking at home whenever I have the money. There are a few people in the bar drinking and there’s some swing music playing from a jukebox in the corner. A middle aged blonde woman comes to greet us.
“…Oh Mildred! Hi! It’s always such a pleasure to see you! And who’s this? Another employe I take it?”
Even if she didn’t greet us, I can easily pick out that this woman is Liam’s mother just from glancing at her face. Although they aren’t carbon copies. Liam has more of a creepy and emotionless look to him while his mother seems more, well, motherly. She and Mildred seem to be on good terms.
“Yup, he’s Gray. He’s been working for me for six years now. Some idiot thought it’d be hilarious to pull a fake prank robbery on us for April Fool’s and while we’re okay, Gray’s a little rattled from it. So I figured we’d come here to relax just a bit.”
Author’s Note: So, I’m putting Arc 0 on hiatus for now and just continuing on with the main story, and wow. Literally all my writer’s block issues were coming from Arc 0. Which is a bit concerning as I feel it may be saying something about my writing skills. But hey, it’s nice to be back in the present again! And this arc should hopefully prove to be interesting for readers.
