Winter is approaching. My family tends to struggle after the final harvest of the year. While we’ve never been impoverished, very rarely do we have enough money to tide us over the winter, so mother and father tend to do small jobs at other businesses during the winter to help with funds. Isabella’s now joined in with them and I’ll probably have to help out too now that I’m at that age. Father and I are travelling to the border for the monthly visit from PearlCoin. Father didn’t buy anything last time, which turned out to be a mistake as the fencing to our fields got broken and some deer were able to break in and steal a good portion of our crops. While we’ve been having a good harvest otherwise this season, this incident has obviously caused us to not earn as much as we could’ve. Not only do we need to buy new fencing, but father wants to buy some seeds for crops that grow quickly so he can at least get one last harvest in before winter.
I had trouble sleeping last night due to figuring out how I should explain things to Elliot. I know I can tell him about the wearing my sister’s camisole part, that’s easy. The real issue is finding a way to get him to understand that I have no interest in indulging in foreign cultures and I want to stop indulging in this deviant behavior. I liked Mr. C, but we would butt heads every now and then because he wanted to moralize about how ‘authoritarian’ he thinks my homeland is. People from the territories really don’t understand that most people aren’t interested in ‘freedom’ if it means being raped and murdered by a sick freak who will never get punished for it. Perhaps Elliot will be less pushy, I’ll have to wait and see.
We arrive at the border, park the horse carriage, and head to Elliot’s truck. He casually greets us and father heads into the truck. Elliot can immediately tell something up with me.
“You okay kid? You’ve got racoon eyes.”
I assume he’s referring to my lack of sleep.
“You could say I’m a bit stressed…”
I still haven’t figured out how to best explain things to Elliot, but I also know that I can’t stall for time either.
“…Look, I’m going to tell you something that’s probably not considered shameful in whatever perverse territory you came from. I don’t want you to comfort me or tell me that I’m fine the way I am, because that’s only true in your culture and I reject your culture. What I want is to be given the best advice on how to rid myself of my deviant ways.”
Elliot merely nods slightly before I continue.
“So, here’s the thing…”
I get close to Elliot and speak in a quiet tone of voice. Sure, father doesn’t know English, but I still don’t want anyone else to hear of what I’m going to confess to Elliot.
“…Several months ago, I stole my older sister’s camisole and…I like to wear it. I get no perverse gratification from it; it just relaxes me. …When I go for days without wearing it, I feel more on edge and stressed out than usual.”
There’s a brief moment of silence between the two of us, before Elliot speaks up.
“…I’ll be honest, I was expecting a bit more. But I suppose that is a strange problem…Have you considered getting rid of the camisole?”
“Yes, but I’d feel wrong about destroying one of my sister’s possessions.”
“Well, it’s a bit too late to care about that when you’ve already stolen it and are using it for your own personal stress relief.”
“I know. I’ve tried to go without wearing it, but then I just feel stressed and other people can notice.
Elliot puts his hand to his chin and thinks for a bit. I’m grateful that he’s not trying to push some ‘just accept your degenerate ways’ garbage that I was fearing he would.
“…Well clearly the issue is that there’s some underlying stress in your life that you haven’t been able to address and for some strange reason, that camisole is the thing that helps you out. So, if you’re desperate to stop this habit, it would be best for you to find something else that makes you feel relaxed.”
“Right, that makes sense.”
“You got any friends to hang out with? What about that girl from school that you see?”
“Yeah, I’ve got friends I hang out with. I’m not really close with any of them, but I’ll sometimes stay out late at night with them.”
“And the girl?”
“We walk each other home from school every day.”
“Are you happy being with that girl? I know you said you two will be married in the future. How do you feel whenever you think about getting married, having children, and becoming a family man?”
“…I would say that I feel nervous and discomfort.”
“That’s understandable. Being in a committed relationship and raising children is hard work. Me and my girlfriend haven’t had much time for ourselves ever since our kid was born. The first month was extremely stressful, but we’ve managed to find a groove overtime.”
“Sure, I get that, but it’s just…I feel like there’s more that bothers me.”
“Like what?”
That I always feel uncomfortable whenever I’m naked. That I prefer spending time with my sisters and Gloria over my male friends at school. That I wish I wasn’t the only boy in my family so I wouldn’t be forced to have the ‘future man of the house’ role forced upon me. It’s guaranteed that Elliot wouldn’t mock me for admitting these sorts of things, but…it still scares me. Even though I’d be saying it all in a language that my father doesn’t understand, I would still be confessing to feelings that I’ve never confessed to in confessions at church before. After what feels like a long pause, I manage to find a way to phrase my jumbled thoughts.
“…I…I feel like something’s wrong with me. Like the Lord made a mistake when creating me.”
“What do you mean?”
“…Even though I’m healthy and good looking, I hate my body, and I don’t know why. My least favorite moments in life are when I’m undressed. And again, there’s nothing wrong with my body, so this must be an issue in the mind.”
Elliot gives me a strange look. He doesn’t appear to be judging me negatively, but he could simply just be good at hiding his true feelings.
“…I understand if you don’t want to answer this but…What specifically about your naked body causes you distress?”
He asks the question with slight discomfort. Obviously, this is because the conversation has moved to that of a grown man talking to a teenage boy about said teenage boy’s naked body. The territories may not have laws, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have social taboos I suppose.
“…Hmm…”
I think about it for a bit. I know that I really dislike looking at my genitals, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me down there either.
“I think…I’m just repulsed by nudity is all.”
Elliot looks confused at my response.
“Well, that’s concerning. It’s one thing to not be sex crazy and more prudish but…your people still understand the need to procreate, how the hell are you gonna do that if you can’t stand the mere sight of your naked body?”
“Just because I may struggle with it doesn’t mean it’ll be impossible.”
“…It kind of is if your disgust with your body leads to you struggling with…’getting up and at it’ you know.”
Awkward euphemism aside, he does have a point there.
“Well, if I’m never capable of having children, then that’s just a further sign that the Lord made a mistake with me.”
It’s a pretty weak retort to be honest. If I ever said anything like that around Gloria, she’d be heartbroken.
“…Hey kid, I’m gonna ask you something weird, and feel free to tell me that I’m full of shit if this is the case but…Do you hate that you were born a man?”
What kind of nonsense question is that?
“Is that a serious question?”
I need to make sure that Elliot isn’t trying to pull a prank on me.
“I’m being serious. Again, I get it if you think I’m just spewing bullshit, but it’s just something that came to mind is all.”
There’s more that I want to say, but father comes out at this moment, ready to make his purchases. I’m obviously not a fan of dropping a conversation this abruptly, but I have no choice. Father makes his purchases with Elliot and then we make our way back home. During the ride back I think about Elliot’s strange question. I am aware that outside of HOME there are people known as transgenders who claim that their brain is that of the opposite sex. In the territories, all of these transgenders are grotesque looking cross dressers who are under the delusion that wearing a skirt and acting feminine automatically turns you into a woman.
But the transgenders in LOVE are a bit scarier. Not because they look even more disgusting, in fact it’s the opposite. LOVE has the technology to perform high quality sex changes, to the point where any genetic evidence of your birth sex is practically erased and you’re even still fertile. Not only that, but there are apparently many other strange surgical procedures that change the bodies in ways that give the vibe to most people here that surgeons and scientists of LOVE see themselves as superior to God. However, while these surgeries seem perfect for the people who want them, there’s a catch. They tend to be botched, leading to victims becoming completely sexless people. Discussing this risk is illegal in LOVE, and the people where I live view the surgeries going poorly as a sign from God that LOVE is an abomination.
I guess Elliot thinks I should start dressing up as a woman? That’s ridiculous. Yes, there are things about being a man that frustrate me, but that doesn’t mean I should throw my life away to play pretend in the territories or risk suffering from a botched surgery that destroys my body in LOVE. Well, I never got to hear the rest of Elliot’s thoughts, so maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but I don’t know why else he would ask that question. That said, he does have a point, I do struggle with my masculinity. This has always been an issue for me since childhood. Even though I have managed to make male friends, I’ve never felt as close to them as I do with my sisters and mother. I should fix that.
I’ve decided to spend the week hanging out with my friends from school more. There are about four boys from school that I spend time with enough to consider my friends. Roberto, Paolo, Giovanni, and Francesco. Roberto’s fat and boisterous, Paolo’s tall and not very talkative, Giovanni’s blond and a tad strange, and Francesco’s hairy with an impulsive streak. Outside of basic appearance and personality differences, I don’t know much about my friends. I may have been able to make male friends, but it’s clear that I haven’t bonded deeply with any of them, and that’s probably what’s causing me issues.
Thus, I came up with a plan to bond more closely with my school friends over the week. I informed Gloria about my plans before school Monday morning, and she approved of them wholeheartedly. We would not be meeting each other for the week so I can spend more time with my school friends. Inviting them out isn’t hard, especially when Paolo and I share the same homeroom teacher.
“Paolo! Let’s do something with the others tonight!”
There’s no point in being shy, so I just walked straight over to Paolo’s desk and greeted him with the proposition. He’s unsurprisingly somewhat taken aback.
“…O-Oh, what brought this on Marco?”
His confusion makes sense, I haven’t really been talking with or going out with my friends at all for the past few months.
“I hadn’t been hanging out with you guys over the past few months, and I felt bad about it.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
I don’t want to beat around the bush. I want to bond with my friends and feel more comfortable about being a man. I’ve got a lot of ideas for things to do with my friends, but it’s only Monday, so I don’t need to suggest anything big.
“Let’s meet up at the coffee bar after school.”
I figure it’s best to start with something simple. I know I’m way to wound up for caffeine, but I can still get some snacks and just have some simple conversation with everyone there.
“A-Alright…”
Paolo’s always been a quiet kid, and I am acting uncharacteristically enthusiastic, so I don’t blame his awkward feelings.
“Are you sure the others will be free…?”
“I don’t see why not, and if they aren’t today, there’s always tomorrow.”
I want to talk more, but the homeroom teacher enters.
“Look, we can talk more after school, okay?”
I wave to the still confused Paolo and head to my desk. It may be yet another typical day at school, but for once I feel excited. Of course, this isn’t because the boring teachers have become any better at teaching lessons. If anything, I’d say they’ve become duller. But my excitement at improving my life is making me feel like I’m charged with electricity. God seems to approve of my plans, because it turns out that all my friends happen to be free today and they’re all interested in meeting at the bar.
By the time the final bell of the day rings, I practically jump out of my seat and speedily walk out of the building. The coffee bar isn’t a particularly sentimental place for me, but it’s close to school, rarely gets crowded, and the prices are reasonable for any youth whose source of income comes from their allowance. When I step into the bar, I don’t notice any of my friends. Of course, this is nothing to get upset about, I’m obviously the first one to arrive thanks to my newfound boundless energy. So I decide to get myself seated at the table right by the front window of the bar and order myself a budino and a glass of water.
I’m about halfway through my budino when my friends arrive. They surprisingly showed up at the same time together. Spotting me was no difficulty for my friends, and they had no interest in getting any drinks or food and just came to sit at my table. Roberto is of course the first one to speak up.
“So, what happened Marco? Why have you been acting so strange lately?”
It’s an obvious question, but the real answer is that I’ve always acted strange. Given that my goal is to bond with my friends more, I want to move the conversation from me as soon as possible.
“…I got a girl and that distracted me for a while. No more, no less. Now I’m learning to balance my relationships with my family, girl, and friends.”
Roberto gives me the kind of look that says he was expecting a confrontation. I don’t know exactly what he was expecting, but I have no interest in starting any fights.
“Uh well…That’s great…”
There’s an awkward silence, has my disappearance from the group really been that noticeable? Francesco ends up being the one to break the silence.
“I’ve been getting into Rugby lately. I’m pretty good at it, but I accidentally broke my mother’s vase, and she was pissed. She’s banned me from receiving allowance for five months! Can you believe that?”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have play inside the house, idiot.”
Paolo gives an unsympathetic response to Francesco’s rugby story.
“Hey, it was raining that day! What else was I supposed to do?”
“Obviously you had other options than to play rugby indoors.”
This is a pretty typical interaction between Paolo and Francesco. Francesco’s impulsiveness and lack of second guessing tend to lead to him doing pretty stupid stuff. Then when he talks about it, Paolo gets so annoyed by Francesco’s dumb actions that it causes him to get chatty. Even though Paolo always seems irritated by him, the two do get along and I know Paolo frequently helps Francesco out with homework. They seem to have a strong relationship despite the animosity and insults Paolo sends Francesco’s way. Roberto seems far more relaxed now, to the point where he decides to ask me a completely inappropriate question.
“So, you’ve laid with Gloria, right? Can’t imagine why else she’d be taking up all your time.”
I can feel my face burning red. Unlike me, Roberto’s quite enthusiastic about any and all topics related to sexual activity. I feel like outsiders in the territories and LOVE have this false idea that just because HOME is filled with devout Christians who believe in waiting until marriage to lose your virginity, that there aren’t any sinful members among the populace. It’s not uncommon for boys and girls my age to ‘experiment’ with each other, with the idea being that as long as there’s no risk of pregnancy, it’s not homosexual in nature, and they go to confession afterwords, the lord will forgive their premarital acts. Furthermore, it’s quite common for my male peers to ‘touch themselves’ with the justification always being “I can just go to confession later”. If my peers are being honest about going to confession, I can’t say I envy the church fathers who have to listen to listen to their perverse fantasies in the least.
“…W-What!? Don’t just ask something like that out of the blue!”
I struggle to maintain my composure. Roberto sees no issue with lustful thoughts and the only thing keeping him from indulging in sexual sin with other girls is the fact that girls don’t like him. Honestly, Roberto could get himself a girl if he really wanted to, but that would require him to lose weight and learn how to talk to women properly. But Roberto struggles with gluttony and sloth along with lust, so I don’t see him getting a girl anytime soon.
“I’m just saying if I had a girl, she’d be pregnant and my wife by now.”
Well of course you would, because you always think with the head between your legs rather than the one on top.
“…I’m not you Roberto, so we haven’t done anything more beyond kissing and hand holding.”
I do my best to try and not freak out too much.
“I’m not a vulgar man driven by my lust. There’s more to life than acting liking an animal.”
I’ll be honest, I don’t necessarily care about admonishing my friend for his sinful desires, it’s just that the church and the rules of God are a great way to justify my personal discomfort with these topics and avoid outing my true feelings.
“Ehh, if I go to confession regularly, then I don’t see the problem with being a bit sinful. We’ll all be cleansed in purgatory anyways.”
This is a pretty common attitude among people here. Again, I find it funny how outsiders seem to believe that there are no sinners in HOME and that all sins are always severely punished with no exception. Maybe that’s the case in some states, but unless you’re an idiot and openly bragging about your sins to authority, not much will happen to you, especially if you go to confession afterwards.
“…But fine, I know you’re a weirdo who hates sex, so I’ll drop the subject. Look, let’s leave this place, I wanna show you something amazing.”
Roberto can be surprisingly respectful at times. I pay for my meal and we all leave the coffee bar.
Author’s Note: I think I finally realized my issue. I’m simply the kind of person who can’t get shit done if there’s no deadline. That’s it. I originally had a deadline for the writing group I was involved in when I started writing this, and now that I don’t…I’m lost. Well, I have personal deadlines that I’m keeping to with my AI bots and that is giving me more success, so perhaps that’s what I need. There’s a lot of other emotional bullshit going on in life (I’m a loser, I’m a failure, I can’t get a job and it’s all my fault), but that’s not really relevant here.
