Mildred and I head outside to lock up the store. The night breeze is cool and pleasant. Things are silent with the exception of cricket noises. While locking the door, Mildred starts talking to me.
“…We didn’t really talk at all this shift, did we?”
Since not a whole lot of people come to the store during evening shifts, we usually tend to spend the time chatting about random topics. These can range from mundane discussions about current events going on in the world all the way to philosophizing about the meaning of life. Seeing that Mildred recently came back from an expedition of hers, we could’ve talked about all her new acquisitions. But I guess I was just too busy being lost in my thoughts to say anything. Mildred keeps talking to me.
“I thought for sure you’d have something to say about all those mockbuster movies I found. I mean, Das Foot!? How obvious can you get? … Is something bothering you?”
Although she may be a misanthrope, Mildred is also the kind of person who wants to be attentive towards the few people she cares about. The problem with that is she’s also a bit of an airhead who’s slow on the uptake, so it takes her a while to notice these things. Hell, I’m pretty sure the only reason she noticed me feeling down about my ex was because I got mouthy with a rude customer. I don’t want to tell her that I’ve been ruminating on bad memories, so I decide to deflect.
“It’s nothing. Just don’t have anything to talk about.”
I feel like a regular person would know that I’m lying and keep pushing me to talk, but Mildred’s not the best at reading faces, so she’s satisfied enough.
“Well, that’s fine. I’m gonna call Blanche tomorrow so we can get everything set up.”
“Oh yeah that… I don’t have any food allergies or whatever.”
“Any preferences?”
“I don’t care. She can cook whatever. It’s not like I have to eat it if I don’t like it.”
Mildred’s annoyed with me again.
“Are you serious!?”
“…Okay I get it.”
I relent simply because I don’t want to deal with another lecture. I still don’t really understand Blanche’s motives to be honest. So, she sees me as a friend and is worried about my health, fine. But why is she going to such lengths like this? I mean really, she’s basically forcing herself to make extra food for someone she met half a year ago, had some conversations with, and then didn’t see again until just this week. This feels like way too much effort for something that won’t give her much benefit. Even just saying “she’s doing this out of the kindness of her heart” doesn’t really sit well with me. I live in an area that doesn’t get all that rowdy during the night, so walks home from work are usually pleasant enough. This peace and quiet allows my mind to wander with little to no interruption. After meandering enough in my past life, it seems my brain now just wants to think about the old world and what it was like, despite it ending years before I was so much as a sperm cell. It’s something I’ve always been fascinated with, ever since I was a child. Something I find particularly interesting about the old world is that looking at the media produced makes you think that the people of those days would’ve never allowed the world to become what it is today.
You see, the modern world is essentially split by various forms of authoritative leadership and collectivist societal structures, yet the vast majority of the movies, books, shows, and so on from the old world feature strong anti-authority and anti-collectivism messages in them. So many narratives were made about standing up for what was right, even if it wasn’t popular to do so and believing in the concept of “live and let live”. Yet as the world fell into conflict and the factions formed, the vast majority of people responsible for those themes and stories became the first and most ardent LOVERS out there. Somehow the same people saying to not to bow down to authoritarianism and to not be afraid to upset the majority over what’s right became the ones who bowed down the hardest to authoritarians and the collective. They were the ones most happy to engage in the new society that the elites behind LOVE had cooked up and overjoyed about attacking anyone who didn’t want it. Sure, it wasn’t all of them, but it was the majority, which essentially means that most people don’t actually believe in the platitudes they spout. Still, the fact that the entire world isn’t controlled by LOVE must mean something, right?
It makes my DVD collection somewhat odd. I suppose it’s not as if artists being scumbags was anything new before the end of the old world. But it does make me think that by me watching films made by people who helped with the formation of LOVE and the general end of “modern society” (at least, what was modern society at the time), I’m essentially causing a lot of people who’ve been dead long before I was born to roll in their graves. If there is an afterlife of some sort, then these people have had to and still have to spend time dealing with the loathsome fact that people like me still enjoy the work that they made and will continue to do so until the end of time.
Back home, I turn on my computer and I guess because I’m feeling kind of masochistic, I decide to head on to fuhenfutou. There’s nothing interesting going on, and because it’s night, that means most of the current posts are coming from smug Europeans (redundant, I know) jacking each other off. I decide to look through my account and the ridiculously low post and comment score it has. Due to these low scores, I can only comment twice a day and can’t make any new threads. As for why that is…
…It’s really, really, fucking stupid.
The Long Journey is a film that despite its massive popularity, to the point where you can still randomly stumble upon merchandise of it that was made decades ago, I had never actually seen it until rather recently. It’s not even like I was super hyped to see it, I just saw a copy of the movie at the store, and after some conversation with Mildred, I decided to take it home for myself to see. And my god, it was an amazing movie fully deserving of the massive popularity it had in the past. A beautiful story of a loving family trying to make the best of a destroyed world. My face was covered in tears by the credits.
So, I did what most lonely losers do after watching their new favorite masterpiece, go on the internet and post about it in the hopes of validation. I found a movie related forum on fuhenfutou and made a post about the film and how it emotionally affected me and then went to bed. The next morning when I went to check on the thread, I was shocked by the insanely low score it had received and the derisive and mocking comments that filled the thread. I’ll be honest, I don’t really pay attention to what’s currently “hip” on the internet and what the latest “popular opinions” are. I guess there’s this popular internet reviewer that I’d never heard of before, and he gave a viciously negative review to The Long Journey only two days before I made my post.
Because people on the internet tend to see their favored online reviewers like gods, this means that the vast majority of the userbase on fuhenfutou came to the conclusion that they also agreed with the guy on his review of The Long Journey, regardless of if they’ve actually seen it. Not only was my post getting downvoted and derided to the extreme, so was my posting/commenting history in general. I suppose I could’ve used my new “only two comments per day” limitation to reply to some comments but given that people going against the general opinion were getting just as harsh treatment, I decided it wasn’t worth it. I knew that the userbase of fuhenfutou could be pretty obnoxious and shitty, yet somehow this behavior was still somewhat of a shock for me. Regardless, that’s the incredibly idiotic story of why I have extremely low post and comment scores on fuhenfutou. I really should just delete my account, but I can’t access the 18+ forums if I do that.
Still, all of this makes me think: are online social media point systems like this really all that different from the LOVE POINTS system? I mean sure, I’m not getting any possessions taken away from me and I don’t have to worry about being “sent away” for having “bad opinions” online. But there’s still something unnerving about how one’s activity on a website can get easily screwed over simply for saying things that the majority don’t like. And sure, logically speaking, I could just make a new account to bypass the system, which isn’t something people can do living in LOVE. But I dunno, aren’t I letting the internet mob win if I’m still using the site under a “clean slate”?
Even though it’s not even midnight, I decide to get myself ready for bed. I’m having one of those days (well nights in this case) where my mind is filled with nothing but negative thoughts that make me upset and no matter what they do, I just can’t seem to make them go away. My mood tends to fluctuate between “almost okay” and “miserable”. I honestly have a hard time remembering the last time I was truly “happy”. Therapy is usually the recommended course of action for someone like me, but that’s a luxury I can’t afford. There aren’t a whole lot of therapists in the territories due to most therapists in the old world having become LOVERS and agents of LOVE’s government propaganda after the world split. Which really only leaves me the option of relying on either emotional prostitutes or so-called online “therapy sites”. The problem with emotional prostitutes is that they’re just people with opinions who don’t know shit about psychology (who won’t even fuck you despite having “prostitute” in their job title), and the problem with “therapy sites” is that they’re scams whose workers purposefully make you more miserable so you never stop giving them money. It’s really not all that different from the scams employed by dating websites.
So, I just have to put up with this middle ground of feeling unhappy, but never so unhappy that I attempt suicide. Apparently in the old world, people like me would be given “antidepressants” to help make them feel better, but those aren’t available in drug stores anymore due to the fact that they never actually did anything. When your drugs can’t even get a person high, they have no use in the territories. Although, I have heard that LOVE’s medical professionals still give out “antidepressants” and you can lose LOVE POINTS for claiming they don’t work.
Two more days passed by without anything interesting happening. But this morning, I hear the doorbell buzzing loudly again. Looking at my phone I see it’s 8 again. That can only mean one thing. Well, person. And when I go to answer the door, it is indeed the person who I thought it was going to be, dressed in her nurse uniform and holding a plastic container with food in it. It looks like a fish meal of some sort. She hands the container over to me while talking.
“Good morning, Gray. I’m glad to know that you’ve changed your mind on this. Anyways, today I made you a cod fillet with rice, onions, beans, and a small spinach salad with black olives. You don’t need to worry about returning the container to me, I have many of those at home and can just go out and buy more if I need to.”
I take the food from her and use this time to ask what’s on my mind.
“…Why are you doing this? Ignoring the fact that any sane person would give up after the argument we had when you first came around, what do you personally gain from doing this for me? Because it seems to me, you’re just inconveniencing yourself for someone you barely know.”
She isn’t taken aback by my question in the least. If anything, it seems as if she expected me to ask something like that.
“Well, this isn’t really inconveniencing me at all. I told you last time that your apartment is right on the way to the clinic. Plus, I enjoy cooking as a hobby, and this is giving me a chance to improve and learn new dishes. I’ve never really had anyone outside of my family taste my cooking before. But even if it did inconvenience me, I would still do it because we’re friends. We may not be close friends, but we are friends nonetheless…As such, I can’t just stand by and allow a friend to wither away. And sure, you were rude that day but… everybody has their bad days, right? You’ve never snapped at me like that before. Although I do believe I am owed an apology.”
She seems to be completely serious about helping me. I have no idea what about me has left this much of an impact on her. I respond by awkwardly apologizing.
“Yeah, uh, I’m sorry about getting pissy with you.”
I felt kind of annoyed for a second, like she wasn’t going to apologize for anything herself, but she proved me wrong.
“And I’m sorry for being so forceful. I should’ve found a better way to get in contact with you. It’s just that our work schedules are so different and sure, Mildred did give me your phone number, but I still wasn’t sure when it would be a good time to call you, and I don’t like texting. It confuses me. Mildred also gave me your email address, but I don’t own a computer, so it’s of no use to me…Well, I best be on my way.”
She starts to turn away, but I suddenly called out to her.
“Wait, before you leave… D-Did you get the movie you bought?”
I haven’t seen the DVD case on the front desk during any of my previous shifts the past several days. But that’s not necessarily a sign that she got it. Someone could’ve easily just put it back on one of the shelves.
“Oh, are you talking about The Long Journey? Yes, of course I got it.”
“Ah well, that’s good… Did you like it?”
I really shouldn’t be asking this, but I guess because it’s a movie that I hold dear to my heart I just have to know.
“…Oh well, yes, I did. Quite a lot. Surprisingly so, given that I normally dislike movies that delve in darker subject matter.”
“Are you referring to the scene with the cannibal twins? I get that’s a rough scene, but it’s important to have a scene where the brother and sister reconcile their differences and-“
Oh no, it’s happening. Thankfully, Blanche interrupts me before I can go on a never ending tangent.
“Gray, I’d love to keep talking, but I have to go to work, we can talk another time, okay? I’ll be coming here on my days off too… I’m glad to see you get excited about something.”
She walks off while I feel my cheeks burn and close the door. I talked too much, and I fear I’m going to do it again if this keeps up. I’m too mentally worked up to go back to bed so I guess I’ll have some of the food Blanche gave me. While the food’s heating up, I search around my DVD collection before finding my copy of The Long Journey. Ever since that incident on fuhenfutou, I’ve found myself too scared to watch it again, worried that all the negative criticisms on it were right and I’d hate it now. But I guess I’m feeling a little brave today. Thus, I spent the morning rewatching The Long Journey while eating a breakfast that’s far more nutrient dense than what I usual eat for breakfast. It turns out, the fuckheads at fuhenfutou were wrong, and The Long Journey managed to provoke the same feelings from me that it did all the way back when I first watched it. It sounds dumb, but confirming this has actually boosted my confidence somewhat.
…Oh, and Blanche isn’t a half bad cook I guess. I’m still not excited about being forced awake early for…how long is she gonna do this? I guess I can tolerate it a bit. Just a bit though.
Author’s Note: And thus ends the first arc on a pretty short chapter. I should note that when I started writing LOVE, I was…still am I guess part of a group project that is either on hiatus or dead. I got this arc written, a second arc written…and that’s about it. But I am starting to feel a desire to get back into it. Also, I know I said I wanted to make character profiles after this arc, but I think that’s going to have to be in the backburner for a bit. Mostly because I’d be using a mixture of AI generation and Kisekae to make the character images, and I’m currently focusing on an AI bot project right now, but I will get to it eventually.
